I had not felt much like writing in here, nor even in waking up to wander around. I thought it would be best to let the storm blow over, and hopefully it has. Hopefully people will come to accept that Skiff is part of my life, and I don't intend to let him leave it. Hopefully, people will finally see that I have found an anchor in my life, and that I would be swept away if I lost it.

I look back at the pain I have caused, so long ago or not that long ago, and the pain inflicted upon my heart by others...and I see it fading away. Is that a bad thing? I don't think it is right, nor healthy, to hold onto those pains like a lifeline, but I can see so many people who know no other way to live. They have no other lifeline. So, I think I've come to the conclusion that it is ok to recognize the things of the past, and to let them go, having learned my lesson from them and moving on.

And, my minor eloquence is now used up for the day.....

I see the looks, hear the whispered words...
~That stop as I draw near.

The angry voices, the false concern...
~That drone on in my ear.


I look at this book, and stand at waters edge.
I look down at the waves, the rocks at the ledge.

Words, which I have loved.
Come back to haunt my mind.
Words, which have come to lie.
No answers can I find.


And, the only truths I have discovered...
~Is to follow your heart.

And the only comfort I have found...
~Is in the one holds my souls other part.

I'm sorry they had to read about everything here, and I'm sorry for how poorly I worded it. He never layed a hand on me, he has never done anything to hurt me. All he has ever done is try to help me, try to make me feel better. I love Skiff. He loves me. And, if anyone is still concerned and worried...we are going to face them headon, together. Because, thats how it should be.

**the only thing that gives evidence to the fact that pages were here is the ragged ripped edges of paper at the binding**

He gave me the flower back. I gave him his necklace back. And, he just walked away...

I can't help him. I never could. It was stupid to think I would be able to bring him back, to show him what love was. Cause, now, he is just going to go. Vanish like so many others, leave me behind like so many others.

So, I gave up. I let him go. I gave up on him...weakling that I am.

It was nice, to just sit and talk, rest without feeling as though there was something else I should be doing. I'm amazed he took me somewhere that meant so much to him, and it was so lovely, peaceful....quiet. It was a rather nice change, after training in the Black Wastelands...*shudders* That place....it is so desolate, so empty....And, everytime I get near the wall to Branishor, those green fumes make me cough, and drive me away!! The place seems to echo....of better times; the twisted green and brown stems of mutilated plants marking the past life that used to thrive there....It was nice to escape that land, to a more comforting place, with someone who made me feel safe.

I wish I would stop coughing, though!! Those stupid fumes...

Finally, I made it to 30...it took so long, this time...Probably because I feel asleep today, what with all the raids and such, just as I was getting close. I had to cancel on the drink with Amzer, but after I did level, we went to the OSS garden.

He always said, that even though he wasn't an officer anymore, he would always take care of me. And, he does..he even got me new armor, and its some grand stuff indeed! We sat and talked for awhile, and it turned to a discussion about us, of course...

He is afraid to hurt me, as though I am some fragile little flower. Sure, I've seemed that way in the past...but, I'm tough. Street life don't leave time for you to wallow in pain. I don't know that I rightly convinced him of it, he always tries to change the subject. But, I did my poor best. I don't give up easy, specially when I've found something true.

I don't give up....

Circling round and round, strike out and fight,
Lift my head up, like the wolf scents the wind,
to hear the call of the crier, to hear the screams for help
to hear another raid called.
To dash and help aid the fight...

...So many raids today...how many did I run to-5? 6? I lost count, after that veteran demon took one swipe and I was down.
I still don't think my head is all right after that, and now I'm so tired...

What is there to write, that I haven't already talked about with him...
I think, we have both come to understand...he feels the need to be that lone wolf, and he doesn't know what is left of himself. I want, so badly, to not see him standing outside, watching us within...I want to be out with him, shouldering that burden together...

But, like I said....the she-wolf will have to watch from a distance, for now...

He...did give me his necklace, though. The arrowhead one, with the lone wolf...perhaps, there is hope of some sort? I dunno...but, I cannot give up hope, because it is all that keeps me alive.

We talked so much, but I had to go....will anything ever be the same? I don't want him to try and find himself, solely for my sake...I want him to do it because he needs to, he needs to be whole again. My pain doesn't matter, compared to the torture he must have gone through in the past and the need he feels to try no more...I just want to help....

I want to fade away....slip away into the shadows....
I cringe from those words I said....I wasn't ever going to tell him that....but I did, and now, I've ruined it all...

....he is wrong...he can be loved...
....but, I don't deserve to be loved....

**the page is much wrinkled and spotted with water spots**

I.Am.A.Fool.


Someone, just toss me in the river now....

He asked for help, in understanding something that had been said to him. Did I help? He said I did...but, I'm afraid I may have only opened up more doors for thought. Hopefully, they lead to a nicer conclusion...

Beauty, it is in everything, though. Not physical beauty, not a fair face nor a breath-taking work of art.

Beauty is a kind soul. It is a helping friend. A sympathetic brother-even an annoying brother! Beauty is reaching out to help an initiate, for no other reason except a desire to help. Fighting demons and staying here to wage the fight, despite the hardships. Beauty is standing strong. Beauty is relying on others when you realize you need a little help. Beauty is tears of sorrow and tears of joy. A smile, brought about by a joke, or a tender moment with the one you love. Beauty is a quiet moment with your friends, where nothing has to be said and everything is understood. Beauty is hope, and hope is beautiful.

And, looking back at these words, I realize I do believe in them. Even if it is only just now that I do, I do believe them. It took me long enough to find the words, the truth of it, but it is real.

~A touch, a gesture, a kindness
~Sunshine on my face
~A gentle breeze does blow
~As my heart does race

~Sorrow, sadness
~Joy, delight
~Pain, anguish
~None of it feeling right

~A shard of purity
~A crystal of strength
~A glimmer of hope
~A pillar of trust

**written rather quickly, almost illegibly**

So...training, again. At the observation tower in the ogres village, catching my breath real quick...I'm awfully tired...but, probably just cause I'm out of shape...so...gonna keep on....training....

....Ok, so I was stupid and tired last nite....I won't let that happen again. Ermin said I was strong, so, I'll live up to her idea of me....

Can I do nothing right? Want to stay bottled up, but can't even manage to do that...always leaks through, and then the messages start "Skye, whats wrong?" ...and I don't have the strength to push them all away...all their care...and I crumble. Like with Ermin...I didn't mean to just fall apartl like that on her, she shouldn't have had to see that...And, talking to Will...*shakes her head* He always gets things out of me...

Anyway, I dragged my sorry, sore carcass over to the tent, just to check on him down there while he is sleeping. And, he was sleeping, so fitfully, it looked....so sad....And, I'm just so tired here, don't think I can honestly get up and go somewhere else to sleep....

...And, of course, there were more raids! Finally woke up from them, as I dashed from the desert, down to Dundee, trying to make it in time to defend the towns. Afterwords, I stood, spent, shaking, tremors wracking my body as it protested so much effort and so little rest...I can't not help, though....I hear the call, and I have to run...at least, I had my armor on this time, though it totally drained me....I've woken up-in the tunnels?? I don't even remember getting there

Wretched, wretched raids!!! And, everytime they happen, I'm always caught unprepared...*shakes her head*
Well, sure those demons at the wasteland got some kicks out of striking at a rogue not wearing her armor.....

**closes the book, a few red drops caught in the page**

I want to say those words,
those words that have come back to me, in the past.
Those words, said without meaning and thrown around,
words that grind my heart into the ground.

Such powerful words,
and I find them in my heart,
but cannot utter them to
the one they are meant for....

**a few scribbles crowd the page, a lockpick, a heart, a music note, and a small sparrow**

Well, I'm about as helpful as a dull crystal! Try to talk to Amzer to make him feel better, and end up having to run since someone needed help!! Try to get Shir to talk, and finally did-we even joked around a bit, made fun of her for calling me little sparrow...I honestly find it touching, though...but, then she goes all goofy, and gets upset...which, I won't say why here. I tried to talk to her bout that, but she just went to sleep. Then, Elly comes up and wants to talk to me for a bit-we haven't had a good talk together in ages!! Still don't know if my words helped her out, or not. Then, I got back to Shir and play my lute a bit, just hoping to maybe drive the nitemares away...and she wakes up, and poofs away!! And now, can't get her to talk to me...

I just want to help...but, at times, it stretches me thin. Why can't I say the right words? Why can't I heal that pain? I hate seeing it, hate not being able to do anything about it...and I hate being pulled in so many different directions!! Why can't I help??

.....Then again, maybe Shir was right about what she said to me awhile back. Maybe I don't even know who I am, so how can I go around helping others?? I dunno...but, I'm content with whatever I am, and I just wish I could help a bit more...

And, as for me training more? Thats a joke....

Long while, since I wrote last. Suppose it was because I was making more questions and finding less answers by writing in here, and thinking too much.

Gone for a few days, then back again-nothing changes, and yet everything changes...